Would that I could…

With nothing of effort, just a little murmur of sound, Smith lifted his body gently from the ground into the warm air.

He soared up quickly, quietly-and very soon he was lost among the stars as Smith headed for outer space…

Chrysalis – Ray Bradbury

Would that it were that easy.  With the barest thought, no effort, to look heavenward and soar.  Instead, during this time, I feel as though gravity is heavier, just for me.  That the earth has decided to pull me down harder, and that there is no escape.

4 deaths.  I have lost 4 loved ones, one every 6 months.  I am fatigued of grieving.  Of every sight causing pain (and love, such strong and amazing love.)  I am tired of loss, of change, of uncertainty.  Nothing feels safe or permanent.

I’ve retreated into creature comforts.  Crayons and coloring books, soft blankets, clean sheets, perfumes heavy with summer flowers, and hot cups of tea.  Searching for peace is hard to find, when there is no peace inside.

For I know the plans I have for you…

It’d be nice if I knew them.  It’d be nice to feel more confident in

…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

But that is faith.  Faith in anything.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this

 And I will wait for the still, small, voice to help guide me onward, outward…and upward.

-C

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