“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?…Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Yesterday I’d written the line “til death first parts us.” I forgot to leave out the hope of seeing the person you love again.
That hope is important. But I didn’t feel that hopeful last night. I feel better today, the catharsis of writing something that, as one of my friends put it “got you right in the feels” was worth doing. But I do feel it needs a coda.
I believe that I will see my loved ones again after I die. You may not. For you, til death do us part may be permanent. But isn’t that all the reason to love even more?
Today I came to the very obvious realization that, this isn’t some weird depression I’ve fallen into out of no where. I’m grieving. I’m grieving over deaths and loss like anyone else good. And grief isn’t something strange that no one knows about. I had a good talk with one of my friends that I’m allowed to grieve. I’m allowed to be unhappy. The only person placing pressure on me to be joyful and upbeat…is me. So I’m going to work at being more honest with myself about how I’m feeling and do less of putting on a face for the world that I don’t feel.
I’m not going to run around, moping and sobbing, covered in sackcloth and ashes, mind you…but I’m going to keep taking care of myself. If that means I come home and cry for awhile, I’m going to. Because its been nonstop death, sorrow, disappointment and stress since last July. If its going to finally catch up to me, I’m going to let it. I’ll wrap my heart in cotton for awhile and be gentle to it. However, the challenge will continue.
Hours of Sleep: 7 hours.
Exercise: Walked around the block once. Pulled some weeds. Feeling the need to angry garden again soon.
Breakfast: apple, babybel mini cheese, pretzel chips
Cleaning or Packing?: Did the dishes. Not 30 min. But doing something is better than nothing.
Made my bed?: Barely. But I gave it an attempt. 8 days to go and this still does nothing for me.
Read 1 book a week: Four Letter Word by Joshua Knelman & Rosalind Porter.
“We are our own dragons and our own heroes. We must rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
― Peter S. Beagle