Its time I faced it. I am hopelessly in love with you. I don’t think my body is built to withstand feeling like this…if I know you at all, you’re blushing five different shades of red right now (I hope you didn’t read this in class, like I told you not to.)
-High School Boyfriend 1999
Sept. 10 is World Suicide Prevent Day. (For more information go here ). I’m a little late to the party because I started to write this entry last night and…got a little stuck. So I slept on it.
High School Boyfriend was my first ever love. He was shy, with a quick, snarky wit, fierce loyalty, and the darkest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I fell in love with him as only you can do with your first love at 15. All glances and thoughts and sitting with each other in hallways talking about everything because its the first time you’ve found someone who just…gets you. We exchanged notes in class. As two giant X-Files nerds we signed them “Spooky” (him) and “Scully” (me). And one day…in February…he gave me a note that I quoted above.
He LOVED me. And the world was shiny and wonderful. We spent hours on the phone and I’d never been so happy in my life.
One day, we tried to hold hands. We were both shy, and our classmates were cruel so we waited until after school and found a quiet hallway, away from everyone. We stood next to each other, not looking at each other, and took a few steps…and I grabbed his hand.
He jumped away.
He apologized…explained how hard it was for him to have other people touch him. I said I could understand…that we’d figure it out.
Summer came. School started again
“I just can’t bear to have you reach out and touch me…and then I jump away. And the look on your face. It breaks my heart. I can’t stand to break your heart. So I’m breaking your heart.”
And he broke up with me.
Through winding ways, my Senior year we found our way back to each other, as friends. I appreciated his wit, still. I was going to keep him as a friend, despite him being a hard friend to keep. But he was worth it because he’d stand up to me. He told me things that where hard to hear. Sometimes they were mean, sometimes they were what I needed. That kind of nuance is hard for a 17 year old.
We stayed in contact, frequently, til my junior year of college…and he sort of…dropped off. I’d always send him an email when it had been to long or if I felt like he needed me and I always got a response:
Just letting you know that you have reached a functional email address. Nice to know you have been thinking of me, I think. Or is it just reminders of me have been stalking you? Bwehehehehe... So you saw the Phantom movie, huh? I am so waiting for that. Was it good? I read some iffy-reviews, but you can never tell with those. Anyway, can't stay on here for long, but no, nothing terrible is happening in my life at the moment. If I have been sending out a Cosmic Distress Call, I can think of better times that it should have been calling attention than now. Now I am just getting ready to head up to school on the 25th... Fun! Sorry I missed you at the New Year's party. Until later -- "They say the mind bends and twists in order to deal with the horrors of life... Sometimes the mind bends so much it snaps in two." -Twisted Metal: Black
Then that March.
(Diary entry 3/16/2005)
Why didn’t you remember me?
How do I write this?
From the begining. That’s where I’ll start. This morning I woke up. The sky was grey and someone called me out of nowhere to warn me of a computre virus going around campus. This was my day to sleep in. Instead, I got out of bed, groggily unplugged my computer and tried to put myself together for the day. At nine o’clock the phone rang again. It was M saying “I’m here. Let me in.” I didn’t recall that she was coming over, what sort of surprise was this? I let her in, her fiance was with her, they come up to my room, he had a box of kleenex in his hand. He set it down. M fell into my arms. She was crying so hard. I could feel her heart beating into mine. I asked what happened. Her fiance told me.
Your friend committed suicide this morning.
To say those words echoed in the air forever is an understatment. The world stopped. Everything. The silence filled whatever space was left in the room. M sobbed into my shoulder more. I think I said something. I don’t remember. I could still feel her heart beating like a bird trapped in a net. It beat and beat against her, trying to get away. I stared, glassy eyed, ahead of me. Was there anything to feel? She let go of me. I made a joke about using my shirt as a kleenex.
We decided to go out for breakfast. I called my teachers, telling them I wouldn’t be in class today. I didn’t actually talk to any of them. I left them messages in a cold, quiet voice. I didn’t feel like me. I didn’t even think about him. About why. Just about what I needed to do now.
We went to Perkins. I had blueberry pancakes. I ate about a quarter of them. Then we came back. Misty went home. She had a job interview. My prayers are with her.
My roommate was sitting in her chair. I don’t think she knew what to do with me. When I spoke it was like I was telling a joke where the punchline always fell flat. I’m loud and out of tune. There were two more people here on campus who were friends with him. I had to tell them. I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how. So I called P, who rooms with one of them.
“Is this P?”
“This is C.”
“Umm…Is J there.”
“I…I have to…a friend of ours…he…committed suicide this morning.” saying it again does not make it easier, rather, it cements it in my mind, edging deeper and deeper into my heart. I can feel my voice going, feel my heart break. I overcome it. I need to hold on.
“When will he be back?”
“Its ok. There’s nothing you can say. But thank you.”
“Can I come over?”
“Yeah, I’ll be down in 5 min.”
I turned to K. “I’m leaving.”
“Are you ok?”
“No. But I have to tell them. I have to keep being the grown-up. I can’t loose it yet. I will hold onto this fragile grasp I have on cool for at least another hour. Then, I’ll loose it completely. I’ll see you later.”
I walked over, across the street, seeing cars pass me by. P was waiting for me. I thanked him for letting me in. I sat on the floor in a blue beanbag chair. He apologized for the mess, I tried to laugh, I tried to say “What mess?” It came out hollow.
I tried to explain to him why I hurt. Why I’m angry. Why this friend was so stupid, so selfish, how could he do this? How could he give up? How DARE he give up?!?! We were all here! He could have talked to any of us! Instead he leaves silently, only to be found later! The questions all swirl in my head…why…why…why…each reason more loud, insistant, all while I’m still trying to talk to P, to try and remain calm while my voice rings shrill and false in my head.
J came back.
My heart was beating so fast, I felt like M’s heart bird was also there. I asked if he’d heard from our friend in awhile. He said no. He was hanging up his tie, folding it in his hands. I said “I’m sorry, I found out this morning that he…he committed suicide.”
That silence came back, rushing up again, coming in waves where you can only hear the buzz of air. He sat down at his computer, asking me questions I wish I had the answer to, asking questions that I wanted to ask but had no one to ask. He logged online. In one of our friend’s diaries he’d left a single post.
That’s all?!! That’s IT?!??! I felt myself full of anger again, then it died down quickly, I didn’t have time to be angry again.
“Do you want to tell K. A., or should I?” (not my roommate)
The thought of doing this again, of being the bringer of grief, of being the messanger…of trying to hold on…I tried to hold on…out came “I…I…”
Sobs bubbled up in me, little bits of pain pouring out. I wanted to scream, I wanted to be sick, I just sat, cross-legged on the floor, sobbing and sobbing. In between I said “I’m…sorry…sorry” apologizing for my tears and for something else…
He handed me kleenex. And a bottle of water. And called K. The cycle began again. My voice was quiet again. I told again. I heard sobs on the other end. I heard “You’re kidding.” I heard myself saying “no.” I wished I was somewhere else. I didn’t feel there. I’d stopped crying. I didn’t know what to do any more.
She came over. We tried to figure it out. There are no answers. There simply aren’t. The things we do are ask ourselves what more could we have done? What more could we have said? The demons that must have been at his heels find new homes in our own hearts. I called my dad. He reminded me of things I knew he’d say but I needed to hear. That no matter how much I hurt, no matter how angry I get or how I feel helpless, I cannot blame myself. I need to remember I have a Saviour who loves me, who died for me, who even now as I sit on the ground, tears streaming down my face holds his arms around me. There is the love I do not deserve but get anyway. So I should cry. I should mourn. But I shouldn’t give up, I shouldn’t blame myself.
I am still in shock. I’ve only cried a little. Just that once. I feel tears inside me, I feel like I want to scream at the world, at him…the boy who signed a card to me “Eternally Lost Boy” and how bitterly ironic that sounds to me now. How I find a notecard on my desk from him that says “Remember me, in good times and in bad.” and now I wonder how I could ever forget. I think of his family, waking up today not knowing their world was broken in two, of M, trying so hard, her job interview, my roommate, sitting there trying to think of things to say, of P, who had to listen to all of this, stuck in the middle of the swarm of pain that came to his dorm room.
I feel it all here. The sun is shining. That gives me hope. Why didn’t he hope? Why did he give up? I thought things were better…I feel so foolish. I’m also hungry…I should have eaten more but I don’t think I could keep anything down. There’s a pit of hurt there and its already filled with pain, what room is there for food?
I just want him here right now! I want to SLAP HIM!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM AT HIM!!!! How could you do this?! These people who mourn, who gathered together, who tried to contact you, who tried to find you, we are here! WE WERE ALWAYS HERE!!! WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH!!! GOD WAS ENOUGH!!!!
Yet…in his pain…I guess nothing really was enough. He tried to fight the demons himself. All he needed was to ask for help, we were there, we’d helped before.
He said Goodbye.
I wished he’d have said “Help.”
I want to go home. I don’t want to go out. I want to stay here. I don’t want to go and try to be funny at rehearsal tonight.
But I will. The show must go on. Life must go on. So I will go on.
And I went on. Without him.
There is so much I wish he could see. I think about him often. Things he’d have enjoyed, weddings he’d have gone to, futures that he had no idea could exist. But he couldn’t go on. And my heart breaks every time.
No one else can play your part. I know that, were I gone, I would probably leave a C shaped hole in everyone’s hearts. I know that I have value (despite the giant mope I’ve been having lately…) but really, no one else can play HIS part. He should be here to play it. He should have been here when I finally watched Deep Space 9. He should have been here for the renaissance in anime suddenly crossing over to the US. He should have been here for my wedding. He should have been here so he could say “I told you so.” a million times over all the tiny fears I had. He just…should be here. And he’s not. And the world is worse for it.
Its been years. But sometimes it still hurts. If you hurt, if you feel so alone that you don’t think you can go on. Ask for help. Ask it wherever you need to. Because I promise you your friends would rather help lift you up. That’s what they’re there for. And if you think you don’t have a friend. You’re wrong. There are more people that love you then you know.
Hours of Sleep: 8.5 hours.
Exercise: It was grey and rained all day. I took the stairs a few extra times but am taking an exercise freebie day. (also, despite “exercise” being at the start of this sentence I STILL spelled it wrong four times)
Breakfast: an egg white sandwich with turkey bacon on a croissant…and a pumpkin spice latte (see grey, rainy sad above)
Cleaning or Packing?: Organized my sheet music for rehearsal, cleaned up part of the office, packed a box
Made my bed?: …when I got home from work at 4:30…
Read 1 book a week: The Unauthorized Story of Walt Disney’s Haunted Mansion. about 40 pages in. Its a good time of year to start reading about haunted houses.
You’ll never stop missing people you loved.
“In the end, I guess all we can do is try our best. What’s that one song? “Ya can’t please everyone so ya gotta please yourself.” Not exactly a motto to live by, but you have to remember to take some time now and again, step back, and take a breather. You have needs too, you know…I mean, I don’t expect you to be perfect. I mean, friends like you because of your faults and oddities, not despite them, right? I like you the way you are. You don’t have to fit my view of what’s right or wrong or solve my all-to-numerous problems or know where you’re going in life.
You’re my friend, and that’s all that matters. The rest is just icing on the cake.” –High School Boyfriend