“What we can do, we must do: we must use what we are given, and we must use it the best we can, however much or little help we have for the task. What you have been given is a hard thing–a very hard thing… But my darling, what if there were no one who could do the difficult things?”
–Robin McKinley, Sunshine
There are some days, I get to the end of the day and I am very much done with people, talking, and doing things. Just, no thanks, I’ve reached my quota for extroversion today, thanks!
You may have noticed I’ve been…on the mopey side of introspective. This has been a hard year. Harder than I could have anticipated. I’ve had to do things that, looking back, I don’t actually know how I did it. I’ve been at the bedside of a dying man and taken over the planning of his burial because no one else could do it. I’ve broken bones (my thumb, but it was still pretty traumatic…), People have moved. We’re trying to sell our house and move into a new house. I’ve had to be more organized, more together, more sympathetic, just…more.
Part of starting writing again is, honestly, therapy. There is only so much one can do to cope keeping it all inside. Getting it out, feels better. At the end of the day, sitting down, figuring out just how I ended up here and how I feel about that…that’s something. Taking control over what I can control is a big deal. Stepping away and taking time for myself is a big deal. Saying something if I’m hurt is a big deal. I’m trying to take pride in the bravery I’ve found that I have this year. But I don’t feel brave.
I don’t feel like the person you should get advice from…yet people come to me for advice. And I just want to laugh and point at what I feel is the mess around me and say “Really? This is the person you go to for advice?”
But someone told me I was a good listener. And what I say has value. And your friends tell you the truth, so in turn, I should believe them.
Hours of Sleep: 8.5 hours.
Exercise: Walked around outside at lunch, enjoyed the blue sky. Came home grumpy, so I took the hedge trimmer to the garden and rage gardened. I worked up a sweat and those bushes know better than to look at me funny now.
Breakfast: a nice, tart apple, babybel light cheese, dried banana and coconut, cup of cinnamon vanilla tea.
Cleaning or Packing?: Took out trash, picked up a bunch of new boxes, see also rage gardening.
Made my bed?: Made my bed while still in it, promptly fell back asleep.
Read 1 book a week: Finished The Illumination by Kevin Brockmeier. “If he had a home at all anymore, it was not a where but a when.” Moving on to lighter fare The Unauthorized Story of Walt Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Kind of excited.
After a lot of thought, a glass of wine, and putting on a comfy robe I’ve created a new play list to try and propel me to great heights to be more positive, and to take control of my own mood. One of my friends sent me the below wallpaper with the comment “With everything going on, I thought of this for you.”
And I smiled and thought in my most badass, Han Solo, Star Lord, Iron Man esq way:
“I like those odds.”