“That’s the thing about you. You’re terrified to relax, to let your guard down, to be less than perfect. You thinks the moment you do, the world is going to come crashing down and tear you to shreds, so every thing you do is perfect. You demand it, refuse to accept anything less… Yet the moments I have seen you be the most beautiful, the most talented, and the most fun… were when you just relaxed.”
– An Old Friend
So I get into the lesson, and I’m doing alright warming up and Tony says something like “no no no, you need to connect there.” or something equally benign…and I lose it. I do the unthinkable…
I started to cry.
Embarrassed doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it. And Tony says “What’s your problem?” and I blubber out an answer something like “*sob* terror *sob* sick *sob* stressed *sob* nervous *sob* auditions” and the like. And he says…completely honestly “Are you scared of me?” and I laughed this unintelligible CACKLE…the most hysterical, horrible, sorrowful, painful laugh…of COURSE I’m terrified…I don’t want to suck! I don’t want to screw up, and I’m telling him all this and he just looks at me, shocked, and he says “You’re probably the best singer I have…and YOU’RE worried that you’re not good enough?” and I just whimpered and nodded and he just looked like “That’s…interesting…” and I just kept crying, not as hard though, and he’s like “Can you sing?” and I just nodded and I had a really good lesson. And he just said “You try so hard, and really, the only person who doesn’t think you’re good enough is yourself.”
-Me, diary entry 9/8/2004
Anyone who is smart enough to be introspective has to be at least a little insecure…its the opposite of ignorance being bliss. The more you know, the more you realize how little you know.
-Another Friend, last week
There is something very comforting in going back and forth, reading old diary entries, and talking to everyone I know and realizing that, some foibles I’ve moved past and some are still present just under the surface and some…some aren’t so bad any more.
The first quote was someone who was my best friend in high school. He said that in trying to describe to me when I was most beautiful. And I keep it in my heart because he’s right. And not just about me, but about everyone. You are most beautiful, not when you’re trying to be perfect, not when you’re trying so hard to not fail at anything, but rather when you let go…and just succeed.
I was reminded of an article I read, that I tried to find, but sadly failed at (Google, I’m not as good at you tonight as I want to be) written by a woman who talked about how much she hated having her picture taken. So she got behind the camera and at all these events with friends and family, she took the pictures. And one day, looking at the pictures, she realized that it looked like she wasn’t at any of the events. And that her friends and family wouldn’t care about how she looked, only that they had the photo and the memory of her being there. So she got in the picture. Because sometimes, pictures aren’t for you…they’re for everyone else.
Which, bringing this around, is why I try to get in front of the camera more, even though I do not always think I look great in photos. Because I want that memory of being there. I want to be able to look back and see how happy we all were together because when things get tough, when things are hard or painful, you can look back to your friends…or see them next to you. And suddenly, its not so bad.
And when you are with your friends, when you are smiling and laughing with them, making memories and doing wonderful things. My friends, remember this…we are all beautiful. In every picture.
Hours of Sleep: 8 hours. Feel SOOOOO much better. Sleep is important, kids.
Exercise: Walked to the new coffee shop close to work (which has cupcakes, so now its a giant, icing covered trap), walked around Jo-Ann fabrics for half an hour, briskly…imaging all the craft projects I don’t have time for. I’m going to make time for a new scrapbook, that’s my new mission.
Breakfast: a nice, tart apple, babybel light cheese, handful of almonds, cup of cinnamon vanilla tea.
Cleaning or Packing?: Took out trash, recycling, emptied out and organized some grocery tote bags, cleaned out some of the empty water bottles from my car. Gotta get back to packing, picking up more boxes tomorrow.
Made my bed?: Made my bed. Dog promptly un-made it. I’m not about to do it twice.
Spiritual Health: Not exactly spiritual, but made a big decision today about taking a break from being “social chair” (I tend to organize events for my friend circle.) I’m taking some me time, not scheduling anything, and going on an as-yet-to-be-determined weekend adventure with my husband.
Read 1 book a week: page 115 The Illumination by Kevin Brockmeier. “It was a joy to be alive, a strange and savage joy, and she stood there in the warmth and destruction of it knowing it could not last. That it was too big for her to contain. That it would ebb as quickly as it had risen.“:
I feel pretty good about routine when I have work to do it around, honestly. Breakfast has been pretty great…oddly enough, I’m drinking more coffee…and more tea, but mostly more coffee. Making time for more reading has also been pretty fantastic. I’m trying to play more with photography, too. So I’ll close with a picture I took in the parking lot of JoAnn’s tonight. Which is a weird place for an arty photo…but the sky was too pretty to resist.